My story – the beginning

I’ve been reading a few blogs and some forums and I know that my story is not widely different from that of many women out there who have been through the same.  Of course, there are minor differences, different circumstances, different backgrounds to the story but the theme is, in general lines, the same and, most of the time the outcome is similar.

I’ve played a very dangerous game with my sanity, with my well-being and that of people who I love. It was all in the name of love. I played. And I lost. Or so, at least, it seems at a first glance.

I am 36 years old, have been married for what feels like half a lifetime – a little more than 14 years now but only approximately half of that period I actually lived with my husband. For the rest of the time, we lived separately in different countries because of our work – first he went away on a 2 year secondment to another country, then I went abroad for almost half a year to work for my then employer and now, for exactly 5 years, I have been living and working in yet another country while he is still in our home country. Actually, during the past 5 years, I lived in two countries, being relocated to the place I am now by my employer at the beginning of July 2010. Of course we do see each other – we spend the holidays together and we generally try, as much as possible, to meet but it has been difficult as both of us are professionals and very busy with our work (which involves a substantial amount of travel too).

We have no children, even though, in theory, we have always wanted children – it has just never been the right time – at the beginning of our marriage I was very young (my husband is 7 years older than me) and we wanted to see how we would be together, then it was our respective careers that had priority. I have never been pregnant for some strange reason.

When I last  moved away from my home country with my job (in December 2005), my husband and I had an understanding that this would only be for 2 years, after which we would find a way to get re-united. I was doing it because I wanted to get international experience / exposure and not because I was running away from my marriage or because we had capital problems in our marriage. Now I think I should revisit this thought because it might not be what it seemed, in view of what has followed.

In January 2006, shortly after I moved away from home, I met a man on Skype. I will call him J. I was travelling with my job at the time, I was alone in a hotel room and I received a message on Skype from a total stranger. I usually ignore these types of messages but that night I didn’t. The wheels were set in motion. It was the beginning of a relationship that would change my life, would change me and the way I relate to the world and would simply drive me to the verge of insanity.

Hello world!

I’ve just moved cities / countries but it really rather feels like moving lives. 

From many points of view,  probably from most, this is a new beginning.  If I, however, will be able to make the most of it, remains to be seen.  I am wondering if one can start a new life when they are still weighed down by the past.  Some things can simply not be left into the past, you just keep on dragging them along with you everywhere you go and they become part of your new life as they have been part of your old one.  One of those things which cannot be shaken off is love and longing for someone.  And it’s wearing you down and filling your soul and making you scream.  I know love is supposed to be something beautiful, which brings out the best in people and makes them complete.  I do still believe that, even though people have been trying hard to convince me lately that love does not conquer all.

I wonder if you can turn a toxic relationship around and make it work.